Sticks and Stones

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me."

I grew up hearing this childhood ditty, grew up trying to believe it was true. I have always tried to pretend that words never hurt me. Of course it did. All I did was make myself shrivel up inside by pretending I was tough, by believing it didn't hurt. 

My weight has always been the subject of ridicule. There are times it was done blatantly, sometimes in metaphors, most of the time in jest. Often, I grin and bear it, take it with a shrug. I can no longer count the number of times I have been asked how I could be related to my siblings, or the number of times they gasp in shock when people see a picture of my siblings. I heard snide remarks, snickers, giggles. I took it in. I take it in. But it doesn't lessen the fact that it hurts. It stings. 

People think I am this confident person ready to take on everything, but they are so off the mark. Very few people, the very close few, see how insecure I am. How very unsure of myself. If you listen to ridicule most of your life, you will think and believe it is true. I didn't make the mark. The mark bestowed by society on what was accepted and embraced. 

I know I am more than what I look like. I know I am worth more than that. My boss actually spoke to me, after overhearing something and told me that I was not hired because of what I looked like. I was not kept on because of what I weighed. I was hired and retained because of what I can do and what I was capable of doing. He also told me that maybe I am being ridiculed about my weight because there was nothing else they can find fault with. 

"Ridicule is the tribute paid to the genius by the mediocrities" Oscar Wilde.

In a society of impressions and appearances, I know I will still have to grin and bear it but it doesn't mean I will believe it. I know that after all this time, I should learn to just shrug it off. To actually think that society will be more sensitive will be asking too much, so it has to be me. I should do the adapting and adjusting. I should and will not let it bother me. As I hope it doesn't bother others too.