The Long Road Home

"Never make your home in a place. Make a home for yourself inside your own head. You'll find what you need to furnish it - memory, friends you can trust, love of learning, and other such things. That way it will go with you wherever you journey." Tad Williams

I have been lost. Lost in the jungle of responsibilities, day-to-day trivialities, and in surviving. That was me, just surviving. I wasn't living. I was just going through the motions of waking up, going to work, head back home, and end the day. Day in and day out, it was just that. I forgot who I was. 

I took stock of what I had, who I was the past month, and I wasn't happy. I knew this wasn't me. This wasn't what I dreamed of when I was younger nor something or someone I really wanted to be. I needed to find myself and the "home" I lost and I have always wanted.

I know it will be a long trek but I know it will be worth it. I have notebooks of memories pointing me back to where I am supposed to be. I have friends cheering me on while I walk this journey. I have a God who never let go of my hand no matter how many detours I took. I know that soon enough, I will find my way back home. 

The Reality of Being Alone

"Who knows what true loneliness is - not the conventional word but the naked terror? To the lonely themselves it wears a mask. The most miserable outcast hugs some memory or some illusion." Joseph Conrad

People say loneliness is a state of mind, to some extent it is, but oftentimes it is difficult to ignore the quiet and slow torment that eats you up inside. If it were easy to shrug it off, I would take that route. But even if I fill myself with so many activities, at the end of the day, it is right beside me in bed.

This is not about being married or being part of a unit. This is not about being a mom or being a sister. This is about being so used to hiding inside myself that I thought I was better off being alone. Hard as I try to reach out, there is always something that stops me. Shame? Maybe. Guilt? Could be. All I know is that this is my reality. There are but a handful who know the inner depths of me. A very chosen few. It is nothing more than self preservation.

I belong to a loud, boisterous family. Does not matter. There has always been a part of me that held back. There will always be a part of me that will hold back. Too many things that happened in my childhood just wired me this way. I am forty years old and it is pointless to point a finger and blame someone for this. In an ideal world, I would have moved on and used this to spur me and become stronger. I think I have moved on but be stronger? I am not certain. 

There are certain truths that make me go on. The knowledge that I am loved. The truth that I am wanted. Those are the truths that keep me moving forward. I am desperately working to make this reality a past. It is part of this new journey that I undertake. Life is too short to be scared of the dark, too short to allow a quiet torment eat me up alive. 

I am forty and I want to live. 

The Beginning of a New Journey

"If life really begins on your 40th birthday, it's because that's when women finally get it… the guts to take back their lives." Laura Randolph

I don't finally get it, it is more, now, I have the liberty to do it. My son is grown, working, there is finally time to explore and start dreaming my dreams again. I start this journey a bit late, but I started everything else early, so I think its just about the right balance. 

There are do many things I still want to do. Travel, write, photograph. Well before the term bucket list became famous, I had a notebook of lists of the places I want to visit. Places where I want to photograph the perfect sunset and the places to photograph the most refreshing sunrises. I still have that dream of writing a book. I have seen a few of my friends do it, some of them even twice and I am so envious! Soon, I hope, I will get the guts to write it and share something so raw for the world to see. 

This is the beginning of a new journey, now I take the bull by the horns, so to speak, and face the trek I have to capture my dreams. I will risk, I won't hide behind motherhood, hide behind my job, or hide behind a set of false burdens. I will step out in faith, believe in my self, and reach for the stars set out for me. I know there are a few with my name written on them, it is about time I claim them. And just like what Hugh Hefner said:

"Life is too short to be living someone else's dreams."